


only watching.

by freiline



Category: SK8 the Infinity (Anime)
Genre: M/M, POV First Person, Pining, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 23:20:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29957427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freiline/pseuds/freiline
Summary: i was always watching him, but he never noticed.told from Joe or Kojiro's point of view.
Relationships: Nanjo Kojiro | Joe/Sakurayashiki Kaoru | Cherry Blossom
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	only watching.

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: This might have been rather messy and all over the place, but I hope that it was able to represent Joe's rather spontaneous nature since this is told from his POV and it's sort of him just reflecting as he goes along, though events do take place later on. I tried to maintain some sort of linear cohesion with his monologue but whether or not I succeeded in that endeavour remains to be seen.
> 
> Also I thought that this would be better from his POV instead of just third person, so sorry if that's a turn off for some people. I hope at least someone enjoys this aha

I was always watching him. Not in a creepy way, of course, though perhaps that could be up for debate and dependent on who I was speaking with. Most would find it rather off putting to hear of someone still stuck in the same unrequited love for what was either nearing a decade, or now _over_ a decade; I couldn't remember the exact moment I fell in love with him, nor the moment when I first realised that the feelings I harboured for my best friend was anything but just that.

Anyone who knew—and no one did, I refuse to tell a single living soul—would have told me to move on. Life is too short to remain stagnant, they would say, life is too short to wallow in your pain. And I agree. Which was why I always strived to live in the moment, to deny myself not the simplest of pleasures in life and to always stay true to myself. But it was hard to forget with him so close to me, and the withdrawals were always worse than what they were worth.

Kaoru was worth it. Being in pain and aching whenever I saw him was far better than being in pain and aching without him at all.

By sheer determination and a dash of luck, I seldom found difficulty keeping myself occupied on the surface. A pliant and willing body to keep my bed warm, the adrenaline of barreling down Crazy Rock with the wind slicking my hair back and attempting to chill the fire in my blood, the pride of a recipe executed to perfection. All of it, any of it, just to momentarily cast a curtain and tuck away from my own consciousness the deepest parts of my heart and the darkest of my thoughts. Anything to keep it all at bay, even for just that moment.

Romantic relationships were few and sparse for me; none of them lasted. Or more accurately, none of them _could_ last. They would always end with little fanfare and the exact same comment: "Your mind and body might be here but your heart is not", they would always lament with what seemed like hope twinkling in their eyes. Hope that perhaps I would disagree with them or give some sort of a rebuttal, maybe even ask for forgiveness and list the many ways I could change and make things better. Out of respect, I would never lead them on after that. Their hopes would be dashed away when instead of resistance, I agreed with them.

There was not much I could do about it; I wore my heart on my sleeves, really, always had and always will. For better or for worse, whether it was a blessing from the gods or a curse from the devil, even the most obvious of things were cast in a shadow of darkness to Kaoru.

Because he was never looking at me. Because his heart was never turned my way.

In a way, it made lying to him all the more easy. I refuse to lie whenever I can help it, and it was partly because of the self-inflicted guilt I would haunt myself with whenever I had to lie to him; one lie to be paid for with a hundred of truths. One of the biggest lies I've had to tell him thus far was the true reason for one of my worst breakdowns. It was right after a breakup, however the breakdown was not because of that but because of the reason behind it.

It was one of the few times when I was the one who initiated the breakup. Let it be known that never once did I enter an exclusive romantic relationship without hoping for it to be a success; I always hoped that it would be a success, that this would be the one and I could finally move on to the next chapter in my life.

But quickly did I come to realise that she was not the one and in a moment of weakness, the daunting reality, that perhaps no one would ever be the one, proved to be too much for me to bear.

It was nothing out of the ordinary, to be honest. Nothing more than the cycle of a new relationship coming to an end repeating itself all over again. But the cycle had been in repetition for years by then and the weariness of it all eventually took a toll on my sanity.

All the people I had dated up until then and even up until now, regardless of who they were, ended up becoming no more than temporary pursuits to fill the emptiness in my heart. And I hated myself for it.

When Kaoru asked what had happened, I led him to believe that it was no more than the pain of a love not blossoming into beautiful fruition, which perhaps was not far from the truth; I was a painter without a brush, I was a romantic without a lover. It was harder to tell him that the reason we broke up was because no matter what I did, rather than wish to spend an entire day with her, I instead longed to see even just a fraction of his hair for the briefest of seconds.

Loving him was tiring, but loving him was all I could do.

* * *

She shoved me down onto the couch and I wrapped my arms around her slender waist. I snuck a hand under her blouse and teasingly slipped it under the hook of her bra, instead of immediately working to have it undone. She immediately caught on to the undertone of my action and let out a pleased him against my lips, her own hand finding its way under my shirt and hiking it up slightly so she could palm and scratch at my abdomen.

A shiver shot down right between my legs and I forced my tongue past her lips, eager to match her enthusiasm with my own. But all of a sudden, a familiar melody began to play from the coffee table and I patted her back to get her attention. To her credit, despite the look of confusion she aimed at me afterwards, she pulled away enough for me to reach over and grab my phone.

I had already placed my phone on 'Do Not Disturb' before she arrived at my house, and there was only one person who could bypass that restriction. Which could only mean...

"Wait, I need to get this." I slipped out from under her and made my way to the bedroom.

I heard her call out from behind me but I didn't turn back. "Really? Can't it wait until tomorrow?"

"Maybe not," I responded truthfully before closing the door behind me and answering the call.

As soon as I brought my phone up to my ear, I grumbled into the microphone. "Are you blind, you dumbass? Do you know what time it is?"

I hated how my heart skipped a beat when I heard Kaoru's voice from the other end of the line. The last time we talked to one another was just yesterday. "Of course I know what time it is, you uncouth gorilla, I'm not muscle-brained like you."

We were almost always bickering and usually one of us would eventually give way, but I wasn't particularly in the mood to be the bigger person at the moment. "Then you should know that this is the time for children to be asleep."

"I'm not a child, you half-wit, we're the exact same age."

"Then, what is it? Why isn't Princess Cherry Blossom getting their beauty rest yet?"

"Shut up, I swear I'll punch you in the face."

"I'd love to see you try," I sneered into the microphone and made a face as though he could see me.

For a few seconds, silence had unexpectedly taken over the call and I had to check my phone to see if we were still connected. I was about to ask if he was still there but when my mouth opened to say a word, he had already spoken up again.

"...I can't sleep." His voice was soft, barely audible had it not been for the silence of the night. There was a vulnerability to his tone that pricked at my chest slightly.

"...Oh." I said rather lamely.

I cleared my throat and began to pace around my room, running my fingers through my hair and scratching the back of my head. Without much thought, my lips began to move before the gears in my head started to turn. "Then do you want to come over?"

"Huh?" From the tone of Kaoru's voice, I could tell that he was surprised to hear my invitation. "Didn't you say before that you were having someone over tonight?"

A part of me took pride in the thought that he remembered something that I was fairly certain I only mentioned in brief passing. He couldn't know that though, so instead I covered my delight with a snide. "You knew that and still called me?"

"I wasn't expecting you to actually pick up, you simpleton. Sorry for thinking that you'd be too busy having fun with your friend or whoever that is."

"Aww, are you jealous, Kaoru-chan?" I said as a joke and my tone was reflective of that, but my mind brought me to the possibility of Kaoru reading into it too much and my heartbeat spiked up in panic. I might have gone a little too far with that.

"Call me that one more time and I will bring over a baseball bat to whack you with."

Before I could catch myself, I broke out into a laugh and pressed a hand to my face. Of _course_ that was where Kaoru would focus on. I got lucky.

"Sure, my hands will be ready to knock it out of yours." I had no doubt that the smile on my face could be heard from my voice. "So? Are you coming over or not?"

"Wait, but don't you really have someone over?"

"Ah, well..." Crap crap crap. I racked my brain for something to say. "...That's for tomorrow night." Couldn't I have come up with a better lie than that?! "So hurry up and come over, I'll even let you drink some of my wine."

"I only drink white wine."

I rolled my eyes and sighed. "Of course I know that, you picky four-eyes." Why do you think I have white wine in my house when I prefer red? "Okay, I'll be waiting."

I hung up and shoved my phone into my pocket. Now that Kaoru's voice was no longer ringing in my ears and occupying every inch of my mind, the reality of what I had just agreed to slowly came into clarity and I pressed my hands against my face, letting out a muffled groan. Since when was I such a dick?

Although I was reluctant to face the music, I had to do it before Kaoru arrived. I stepped out of my room and walked back over to the living room with heavy footsteps. When she heard my approach, she turned to look up at me and raised an eyebrow.

"Who was that? Did something happen?"

She really was a beauty, no doubt wasted on the likes of me, with dark black hair falling down like waves and cascading around her ample physique. Perhaps it was a blessing for her that we weren't anything exclusive yet.

"Uhh, yea..." I scratched my head with a hand awkwardly and glanced down at the ground.

I couldn't look her in the eye. She probably thought I was being suspicious, and to some degree I wasn't entirely innocent; I _was_ about to push her aside for the person I loved, after all. But I wouldn't be entirely lying this time around. "That was my friend. Sorry but could you... leave for the night? I'll explain another time."

I finally looked up and she kept her eyes on mine for a few seconds, no doubt trying to assess if I was speaking the truth or not. It was either she was eventually satisfied or found nothing to poke at, because soon enough she rose to her feet and grabbed her things from the coffee table.

She took a moment longer than I expected to speak up, but I chose not to bring it up for now. "...No need, if it's not my place to know."

"Thanks. If you're taking a taxi, let me know and I'll pay you back for it." I walked her over to the entrance and waited for her to slip into her shoes before opening the door. "And... sorry. I'll make it up to you."

"Okay." She gave me a tight smile and tiptoed slightly to press a kiss to my cheek. Guilt continued to simmer underneath my skin at the thought of her knowing more than she let on. "Call me tomorrow."

I greeted her farewell and waved goodbye as her silhouette gradually disappeared into the darkness of the night.

I didn't have to wait too long for Kaoru to arrive. After going back to the living room and tidying everything up so that it appeared as though no one had visited prior, I heard the doorbell ring and I found myself quickly jogging over to the door.

Pathetic, I know.

I unlocked the door and didn't wait for him to step in before I turned back around and headed for the kitchen; he'd been in my house a million times already in the past, he could take care of himself and knew where to go. As expected, I heard his feet head straight for the living room as I pulled out two wine glasses and a bottle of white wine as promised. I slipped the stems of the glasses between my fingers and brought them with me to the living room, with the wine bottle in my other hand.

I steeled myself at the sight of his back, his silky pale hair tucked aside to reveal the slender curve of the nape of his neck. After mentally reprimanding myself once again for being such a lost cause, I flopped down onto the couch beside him and earned a disgruntled noise of frustration.

"Are you always such a brute even with your own things?" He frowned at me.

"They're _my_ things so I can do whatever the hell I want with them, you nosy skinny boy." I handed him a glass and the already opened bottle of wine. "Here. Pour it yourself."

He took the items from my custody without complaint and brought the bottle up to his eye level, reading the label with a pleased hum and then filling his glass up till the brim. "Oh, this was the one I really liked."

Of course, I knew that. "I know it is, you big dummy, you think I didn't hear you the first time?"

"I wouldn't know, can all apes understand the human language?" His tone was sweet and laced with honey, but he aimed a subtle scowl at me as he passed the bottle back to my hands.

I purposefully didn't look him in the eye. I accepted the bottle and poured myself a glass of my own. "Is this how you say thank you to your best friend for being the best person in the whole wide world?"

"Dream on," he mumbled against the rim of his wine glass before taking a few steady sips.

I drank from my glass as well after setting the bottle down onto the coffee table, then angled my body to face him better and gave my eyes permission to finally take a good look at him. My heart thumped against my chest as my gaze immediately caught sight of the bob of his Adam's apple, laid bare in full display by the elegant lines and arches of his profile as he tilted his head back and worked on his drink with poise to envy.

I've always been a very... tactile person, to say the very least. Sometimes I'd find my fingers itching to touch him, even if it was just a brush of the top of his hand or a poke of his cheek. That wouldn't do, of course, or at least not without the risk of him discovering the feelings I held for him. So instead I would ball my hand up to a fist and lightly punch his shoulder, in clear reflection of what I now just did, as a weak substitute. It was nowhere near enough, but it would have to do to keep my hands to themselves.

Kaoru let out a small surprised sound and he lowered his glass to send another glare my way, his eyebrows scrunched up and his voice low. "I almost spilled my drink, you uncouth idiot!"

"It wasn't _that_ bad and I never knew you were that weak, you nerdy four-eyes!"

I swirled the contents of my glass in slight uneasiness at the silence that had crept up between us again, a little concerned that Kaoru had yet to rebut back like he always did whenever I would call him a nerd. Perhaps I had gone a little too far, my heart egged at my perturbation even though I logically knew that we had exchanged far worse insults.

I downed the rest of my glass and cleared my throat before taking a deep breath, shoving aside my sudden flare of diffidence in favour of breaking the quiet.

"So, what's up?" I dipped my voice into a gentle murmur and rested my arm on the back of the couch. "Did something happen?"

I watched as his body flinched ever so slightly, an action so subtle that no one would have been able to catch on to it unless they had razor sharp focus on the man who was more often than not capable of maintaining an icy composure.

But I was always very attentive whenever it came to him, I was always watching him...

"...It's about that guy."

...and he never noticed.

**Author's Note:**

> I was hit with the urge to explore Joe as a character, or to at least expand on my interpretation and understanding of him. I originally wrote this just for myself but I thought that maybe others might have wanted to read it too idk
> 
> Not my best work but I really wanted to get this out as soon as possible because I have other things I want to do aha
> 
> If you want to support me, my carrd is over [here](https://reuenthal.carrd.co/#en)! It has my spotify profile (if you can find my matcha blossom playlists, +1 to you, i have both eng and jp playlists), my twitter account (follow me there!!), the whole works.
> 
> Please leave some comments and a kudo, i’d really appreciate it!! i hope everyone has a great week ahead!


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